I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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