i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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