I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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