wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
