as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
