my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
