If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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