Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
