Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
