Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
