I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
