allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
