I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
It was confusing and full of hummus
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
