my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
