Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
