I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
