he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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