I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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