She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
