You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
