Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
