My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I love having hate sex.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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