just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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