i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize