At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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