Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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