I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
