Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
