My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
