My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
a search helicopter?!
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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