I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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