I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
