hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
