I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
