I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I bet he comes in French.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
