I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
