Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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