I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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