I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
