I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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