Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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