We won't sleep together?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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