I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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