I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
