You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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