Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
