I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
