making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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