The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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