Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
