I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
