Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
