Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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