What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
