The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
